Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
