I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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