I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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