how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
