Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
