He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
