I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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