Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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