Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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