Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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