FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
