You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize