the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
