i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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