I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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