he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
