i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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