Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize