You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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