No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
