When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize