And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
