We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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