Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
