Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
