My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
