He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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