Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
