You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
