the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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