Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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