I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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