I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
