theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
