can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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