The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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