Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
