I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
