Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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