I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize