i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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