i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
