Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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