I faked an abortion last night.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
