and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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