You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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