So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
