Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
