I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
