VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
