can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
