I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
