I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
