Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Pants are for mortals
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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