Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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