Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
