So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
