just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
